Famous Quotes Explained - In Every Complaint There Is A Hidden Desire

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Famous Quotes Explained - In Every Complaint There Is A Hidden Desire

"In Every Complaint There Is A Hidden Desire" ~Unknown

We all know the people who never have anything good to say - the ones who are always complaining.  Maybe we have been that person at one time or another, I know I have!   Our boss, our partners, our kids, our body, our "friends", the weather, the food, the staff, the service, the wait, the line, the temperature, my knee, my neck, my toe, my pinky, who was rude, who was insensitive, who was thoughtless, who was lazy, too happy, too chirpy, ... okay, you get the picture.

What do our complaints say about us?  What are we really looking for or needing or hoping will happen when we complain?  Who are we complaining to and what do we want from them.

In the quote above we are reminded that when we are complaining we are actually expressing a desire.  Well, desires are a good thing, but... always complaining isn't.  

A complaint is actually a pretty ineffective and wasteful method of communication - It's kind of like trying to roller skate on ice - lots of flailing about but not getting very far and doing little more then making a spectacle.  As a side note, venting and just needing to be heard after a really bad day or during a tough time in our lives is not the same as complaining.  That type of communication serves a specific purpose and when we vent to the right person it can be quite healthy.  However, frequent spurts of discomfort, frustration and annoyance just keeps us in a holding pattern of powerlessness, dissatisfaction, and negativity.  Whatever desire is hidden in your complaint will most likely get lost. 

I encourage you to observe your complaints, notice what it is you are actually desiring, then see if there is anything more productive you can do about it. 

Those who find more reasons to be grateful than reasons to complain have far less to complain about.  (Click To Tweet)

:)

~Michelle Cleary, LCSW

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The Dark Truth About Night Eating - And What You Can Do About It.

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The Dark Truth About Night Eating - And What You Can Do About It.

The Dark Truth About Night Eating Syndrome (NES) and What You Can Do About It.

By: Michelle Cleary, LCSW


I started night eating - in the morning.  I was about 7 years old.  I can vividly remember waking up in the wee hours while everyone was still sound asleep and constructing sandwiches made up of unevenly cut tomatoes and gobs of mayonnaise that were precariously placed in between two slices of Wonder white bread - a 7 year old’s interpretation of a BLT, only without the L and the B.  I would head into the living room, switch on the TV, and get lost in 4am programming while secretly and shamelessly enjoying my “T” sandwich.


That is my earliest memory of night eating.  It came and went as I grew up.  Months and even years of sound sleeping were interrupted by periods of night eating.  These episodes were erratic at first but as I approached my mid-twenties they became more consistent.  At the height of it all I was waking up 4-6 times a night, for weeks at a time.  It was exhausting, embarrassing, and baffling.


These nocturnal binges intensified as the years went on.  My innocent “T” sandwiches were replaced with cookies, leftover pizza, baked ziti, ice cream, Entenmann's products, bread with butter, etc.  I would eat what my self control or shame didn’t allow me to eat during the day.  At night there was no such thing as portion control, I would have seconds, thirds, and fourths.  When it got dark there were no limits, there was no shame, and there was no guilt… until the morning came. 


Oh God, the morning.  When the night eating was in full swing the mornings were torturous.  With barely one eye opened, trying to secure enough consciousness to make it to the coffee pot, I would see the plates and cups and wrappers on the nightstand.  Not unlike discovering a stranger in your bed after a wild night out, I would start to put together the pieces of the puzzle.  That horrible “what the hell did I do last night??” feeling would surface and the memories of unbridled eating would emerge.  Sometimes they were vivid and clear other times they were hazy and incomplete but they were always accompanied by bullying feelings of shame, guilt, anger and helplessness. 


The morning brought a ruing that could only be alleviated with desperate promises.  Negotiations and assurances ran through my head.  I won’t eat for the rest of the day, I’ll go straight to the gym after work, I’ll workout for 2 hours, I will eat perfectly for the rest of the week, I will NOT do this again.  These vows clung to my leg.  I dragged them through my apartment while I got ready, ran out the door, and stepped into my life. 


I was physically and emotionally exhausted before I even left the house. 


Over the years I tried everything to stop my nocturnal noshing.  From going to a sleep disorder clinic to taking anti depressants; from locking the refrigerator with a chain, to locking myself in my room; from hanging notes to myself in the kitchen, to hanging the clothes I hoped to one day wear in the kitchen, but nothing worked for more than a night or two.  I felt defeated and lost. 


Why did I do this?  It didn’t make any sense.  I knew I didn’t want to eat at night but no matter how hard I tried to control it, it kept happening.  Why was I waking up?


The answer is I was struggling with Night Eating Syndrome (NES).  Those who suffer from Night Eating Syndrome eat excessively during the nighttime hours and feel a lack of control over their eating.  Guilt, embarrassment, distress, and limited food intake in the morning follow episodes of night eating.  They are awake, aware, and have memory of what they are doing, unlike those who have Sleep Related Eating Disorder (SRED), who are asleep and do not remember the eating episodes.
After years of professional experience and my own personal therapy, digging around in my subconscious and excavating my past, I discovered a lot about NES.  Here is some of the dark truth about night eating and what you can do to start getting it under control:
    •    You actually want to eat at night.  Hard to believe, huh?  I know!  But it’s true.  There is a very real and very powerful “part” of you that wants to eat, without restriction, without guilt, without shame, and without control.  We all have “parts” and they can be referred to as subpersonalities, self-states, inner selves, etc.  It doesn’t matter what you call them, they are there.  Very simply put, these parts are psychic representations of different times and emotional chapters in your life.  We slip in and out of these states throughout the day but at night they can be particularly powerful.  The cold hard reality is that you have a “part” that wants to eat at night.
    •    You can’t lock it up.   I, and if you are reading this article probably you too, have tried almost everything to stop this behavior without success.  And the reason there has been little success is that you can’t stop it, lock it up, or destroy it.  Since it is you who wants to eat … you can never successfully lock it up!  There is a built in escape route or trap door that the “you” who wants to eat will always have the key for.  The more you try to stifle it the more intense it will eventually get.
    •    You can’t convince it.  The “you” who wants to eat uncontrollably cannot be convinced to stop eating with promises of skinny jeans and tank tops.  That “you” doesn’t care about the numbers.  That part doesn’t care about the numbers on the scale or the array of numbers on clothing tags or the number of calories you are consuming

    •    You must take care of it.   So what do you do to get the you’s working together and sleeping through the night?  The first and most important step you need to take is be kind and gentle with the part that wants to eat.  Even though you have probably spent much of your life hating this part you will have to change your tune and start to work with this part and not against it.
    •    Talk to it:  The best way to start reducing the intensity and frequency of night eating is to talk to the part that wants to eat.  Before you go to bed and before the self state switch … talk to yourself, talk to that part.  I know it sounds weird but the first step is to acknowledge and then nurture.  When you are brushing your teeth before bed or getting changed try something like this:  “I know you are there and I know you want to eat tonight.  You are thinking about the leftover pizza aren’t you?  I just want you to know I’m not going to be angry at you in the morning.  You are not bad.  Instead of me fighting and feeling helpless maybe we can work together.”   Although this feels counterintuitive, this type of inner dialogue will help to reduce the resistance between your parts and begin the process of integration.        


Here is some more dark truth.  This is just the beginning.  In order for you to get real control over your eating at night you are going to have to learn a lot more about yourself and all of your parts.  This does not go away immediately and it takes a while to get to the root of the issues.  However, it works.  Finding a therapist who has experience working with eating disorders is the first step, commitment to the therapeutic process is the next. 

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Famous Quotes Explained - "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change." ~~Carl Rogers

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Famous Quotes Explained - "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change." ~~Carl Rogers

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change."

~Carl Rogers

(This quote and the following reference can be found in his book: On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy.)

What do you mean I will change after I accept myself...  AS I AM (gasp!)?   This is a difficult concept for so many and it may even feel impossible to others.  Self loathing abounds in our culture; dislike or even disgust are much more familiar feelings than self-acceptance and self-love are.  As a result, the idea of self-acceptance as means to usher in change can feel hardly believable.

Carl Rogers explains, "I find I am more effective when I can listen accepantly to myself, and can be myself.  I feel that over the years I have learned to become more adequate in listening to myself; so that I know, somewhat more adequately than I used to, what I am feeling in any given moment ... One way of putting this is that I feel I have become more adequate in letting myself be what I am.  It becomes easier for me to accept myself as a decidedly imperfect person, who by no means functions at all times in the way in which I would like to function. This must seem to some like a very strange direction in which to move.  It seems to me to have value because the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change." (p.17)

Because we are forever looking at what we want to improve, where we want to be, and what steps we must take to get there, our energy is being spent and our thoughts are being focused on what we are not, where we are not, and how far we have to go to get there.  This focusing upon the negative and carrying around the excess weight of non-acceptance often acts as a block to progress or causes increased resistance to change. 

In other words, climbing a mountain is hard enough but can be rendered impossible if too much energy is expended unwisely! (Click to Tweet)

Try to accept who you are today (and perhaps the next day and the next day, etc.).  Drop the resistance and the negativity and see what opportunities arise naturally when you are clear, present, positive, and a bit more confident - Change may come a bit easier!

~~Michelle Cleary, LCSW

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The Irregular Path of Trauma

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The Irregular Path of Trauma

Just like water streaming down a window pane whose path is jagged and irregular because of unseen obstacles, ones' emotional path related to the tragic events of September 11, 2001 may also seem jagged or irregular.  Feelings of grief, anger, disbelief, isolation, disorientation, and sadness may come and go in an apparently random pattern.


And some may wonder why after 14 years these feelings are at times worse instead of better.   


The effects of trauma, especially mass trauma such as the 9/11 terrorist attacks, can be hard to understand or predict and can be escalated by other life situations.  Firefighters who have since retired may be feeling an increase in depression, feelings of "life disorientation", and guilt as their role in the firehouse has changed.  There is more time to think about the events and lost friends without the responsibilities associated with being "on the job".  Parents whose children were too young to remember that day may feel frustrated or angry when their 13 year old can't understand the annual early September morning struggle.  Feelings of deep regret may resurface as time insensitively marches on and details of loved ones are very unintentionally forgotten.  A friend may be guilt ridden when they acknowledge that they just can't make it to another memorial.  Anger may set in when less flags are flying or when interacting with a person who has seemingly "forgotten". 

Feelings may increase or decrease, pop up in unexpected places, or go suddenly numb and detach.
It is so important to keep in mind that
while time certainly does heal, it doesn't always heal in a straight line. (Click to Tweet)
So, be gentle and forgiving with yourselves, support your family, be sensitive to your neighbors, reach out to your friends, and be a little extra kind to your fellow commuters ... because 14 years doesn't necessarily mean the hurt is all gone.

With Much Love,
Michelle Cleary, LCSW

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MyFitnessPal Article: 5 Steps to Break Free From Binge Eating

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MyFitnessPal Article: 5 Steps to Break Free From Binge Eating

Food not only nourishes the body but soothes and satiates as well–which is a big reason why our relationship with food can get really complicated. Anorexia and bulimia may be the most commonly talked about eating disorders but binge eating (not to be confused with occasional overeating) is actually the most common eating disorder in the United States. It impacts up to an estimated 5 percent of the population, 40 percent of which are men–a surprising fact considering other forms of eating disorders are typically twice as common in women.

READ MORE

Before we dive into how to stop binge eating, let’s talk about what it is and how it’s different than overeating.

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Parenting your rebellious teen and encouraging healthy independence.

So you've watched your child transform from a fragile and adorable baby, into a mobile and inquisitive toddler, then into a verbal and playful child, and again into an increasingly independent and somewhat awkward tween. And I bet it all went way too fast! During every step you probably wished this whole growing up thing would just slow down.

But now your child has arrived at what might be one of the most difficult stages in their life. Yes, that’s right, your child is now… a teenager. It is likely that you have suddenly gone from wishing time would stop to counting the minutes until he is 18 and able to move out!

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Dimensional Psychotherapy Newsletter: Happy Valentines Day!!

Happy Valentines Day and welcome to the Dimensional Psychotherapy newsletter!  I am so happy that you decided to join the mailing list.  Here you will receive regular updates, tips, recipes, and of course a little inspiration!

Today is the day we celebrate those we care about and today I want you to celebrate ... YOU!

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Treat compulsive eating by taking the power away from food

What does it mean to be a compulsive eater?

Well, I start by asking this simple question, "Is food more powerful than you?" If you asked yourself and the answer feels like a yes, then you may be a compulsive eater.

If you're a compulsive eater you will have some or all of the following experiences in degrees that can vary from mild to severe: constantly thinking about food, eating when not hungry, returning to the kitchen frequently, eating very quickly, feeling numb or detached when eating, eating when no one is present, regular food binges, and/or having a powerful preoccupation with weight and body image.

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Night Eating Syndrome

Is grabbing a midnight snack really such a big deal? For many, occasionally giving in to a late night craving for chocolate or some leftovers costs them no more than an extra 10 minutes on the treadmill and a little bit of guilt. But for others, midnight snacking is a nightly ritual that goes far beyond simple cravings and minor bouts of guilt.

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